Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kadashis_angst's LiveJournal:

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Monday, June 19th, 2006
9:06 pm	IM FUCKING SICK OF EVERYGOD DAMN THING!!!! for fucks sake people, stop geting all dramatic and creating unnesecery drama. seriously, everytime i go outside and try to talk to anyone i know its always the most recent drama in theire life or the next thign that upsets them, when people have bad days they argue over who had the worse day, adn what the fuck am i doing? SITING AND LISTINING TO ALL THIS FUCKING CRAP!!!! heres a news flash fro the good citizens of brookline high: LIFE IS A FUCKING RIDE!!! SHIT HAPENS!! SOMTIMES GOOD SOMTIMES BAD!!! peopel dont give a shit if you had a bad day, chances are they had one too. no one cares enough about you inparticularly to listion to your minute sob story. dont go crying at any given opertunity or get pissy everytime you think somone is ofending you. suck it up! learn to fuckin glive with yourself! i swear, if i have to here about one more person who is upset over what so and so said or that such and such happend to me so im crying now im goin gto flip fucking out! if you realy want to see people with ACTUAL problomes and ACTUAL issues go here. http://www.suicideforum.com/index.php maybe you cna gain some actual insight in to the real isues in a persons life instead of overblowing the minutes anoyences of everyday living. be happy that your not so depresed that your life is like this. trust me, ive been there. people, grow up. Current Mood: angry (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
9:08 pm	mroe lenor ok peoples. i forgot to mention tha the first episode is incredibly grusome. adn it doesnt get much better im afraid. but it does get funnier. adn that i think is worth the hamster maiming. enjoy, episode number two. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nM0Ff0UqOnU&search=lenor%202 Current Mood: nerdy Current Music: robot chicken skits (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
10:50 pm	lenor...my vids here are soem vids i will be peridoicly puting up. there are twenty six episodes of this, so i will be shoine gthem oen at a time. here is the first one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-X8PpfbXbo&search=lenor%20%201 enjoy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
8:40 pm	creepy You Belong in 1962 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good! What Year Do You Belong In? thats realy creepy cause that sthe exact same years asia got. fucking creepy. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
10:41 pm	hey people! ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BSOTON ANIME BOSTON ANIME BOSTON.... ANIME BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!! FINALY US LIBREALS HAVE JAPANES PEOPEL IN OUR LIVE ONCE AGAIN!! WE CAN FINALY FUCK TOTORO AND HUG RYOKO...WAIT! REVERSE THAT! CANT WAIT!!! TWO DAYS!!!1 YES!!!! expect not to here form me till mondya night, im planing on going wihtout sleep for the majority of the convention, thats right baby, about 60 hours straight of non stop nerdy ness. i did it for thrity roughly, so now im trying fo r60 wiht at most 3 hour naps. EXPECT ME TO DIE FROM MY OBSESIVE INSANITY!! I LVO EYOU ALL, AND YOU TO ANIME BSOTON!!! OH, YUKI!!!! Current Mood: bouncy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 14th, 2006
2:56 pm	bagly...omg ok...so i am nowe a sexual god. truly and uterly, i have gone far beyuond any of my own sexual expectations, much mcuh father. bagly was AMAZING. i go tmy firs thickies ever...like 3 or 4...adn i gave my first hickes ever, which im told where realy good. i made out wiht so many girls..and a few boys..danced wiht liek twenty....adn i mad eout wiht an asian girl!! woot on the asian makeing out!!! i also got three girls numebrs this time. and they lvie in newtoon. adn peopel say i actual ylook sexy now, so my confidence is higher now! but, now this girl namedf hilelr who is alittle over weight is realy, realy atracted to me, adn i think i indulged it to much. i dont knwo what she coudl want...btu im nto sure if i want to know. T~T anyways, bagly was fun, but my bdoy is KILLING ME!!! im realy realy ibn pain. i picked up and danced awiht so manny peopel adn lifted so many of them..las tnigth was a work out in it of itself. adn then i worked out this morning. T_T so....much....pain. after bagly me and a bunch fo p[eopel i saw there walked aroudn bsoton a bit, then others left and it was me and this guy mat. we talekd and conected for liek three hours, looking for good places to eat and walkign around boston. cool, guy, adn very spiritual. im gonna learn a bit about his spirituality, cause im actualy intrested in it. tis jsut slightly aluring. but heres a summery of how things went: lots of groping, dancing, hickies, and kissing. lots of lifting adn pain. lots of talking. adn lots of love. ^_^ Current Mood: tired (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 11th, 2006
10:10 pm	ONLY GOOD NEWS!!! YAY FO RME!!! ok, so today was shity for me,mainly becauser i felat liek a total spazz and that i was just anoyign people. pluss some peopel made cometns and it got me depresed, btu hey! thats life. i didtn work out today, instead i went home and played alot of WOW. lvled up my mage to lvl 30!!!!! thats half way to lvl 60!!! (final lvl) but now it gets dificult. T~T anyways, thats some of the news. the other news is tha ti jsut foudn out, and im nto to sur eif this is right, but i think that girl i meet at bagly, shauna, ithink shes setting me and herself up for a blind date wiht a guy at bagly. o_O; im nto sure if thats right, but im finding out asap. is it just me, or do i tend to find myself in the most fucked up situations posible? i think thats what defines me. speaking of fucked up situations, today, as usual, gavin me and chris wher ebeing jack asses adn they wher epunching mye as i thretend to bea tthem up but got hur teven more. anyways, whiel this was hapening, a little boy came and started laughing, pointing at me asn sayin 'more, more!' so gavin kept punching me...adn the kid kept laughing....he even grabed me and said 'i go thim! do it! do it!' again, let me repeat, is it jsu tmroe or do i get msyel fin to the mos tfucked up situation posible? Current Mood: cheerful (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 4th, 2006
6:43 pm	some good news, but still having that undertone of thought, eh what can you do? ok, so ive been workign out lately. my body, she is responding wella dn i am becoming mroe and mroe buff as the days go by. my arms they are , how do you say...big. ^_^ actualy, i am starting to look beter, adn i feal stronger. im doing mroe of my school work, so my grqadeas re slowly getting better, adn in general everythign seems to be better. btu, today, i was thinking.... im seeign all of these peopel who belive in christe or uin a religion, adn im seeing all fo thes epeopel whoa re so definet about theire thoughts adn ideas. i mean....can a person realy be so definet and nto feal so unerved? i knwo i cant. iu try to tel myself that this, what i am doing, is right, but then i beign to think...adn i relize...maybe im wrong. so then, in arguments wiht people, voe ranything...i hesitat.....adn think...am i wrong? is there a wrong? i gus emuy weakness here is my indeciveness, but then agian being stubern isnt tbhat good either. if you live you rlife by the motto "the wiesest thing to know is that you knwo nothing" leaves open the idea that oen shoudl take in adn consider every idea. but, when you consider everything, there wil come points wher eyou are torn, wher your nto sure what you should do. shoudl i trust my own judgemen, ort am i nto fit too? shoudl i join a religion, ro si that jsut passing on my responsibility? the idea here is that what shoudl i do to live MY life? we all have fear of death, in one way or another, and we all have hatred towards somthign els eout there....we uhjave moments of insecurity and mometns of strength....but some people chose religion to help them, others chose to belive in there own continous thoughts adn to belive in themselves. i would love to think liek teh latter, but as a bipolar person im not somoen who is always of sound mind. im never sure if the thoughts i have are the right one, or if i anm makeing a good desicion. my thoughts somtiems overtake me and my fear parylize me, making me the equivelent of a 5 day old vegitable. allim saying is, wiht so manny thigns out there, and for me som manny things in my mind, where do you turn to look for guidence? you can talways trust othe rpeopel because it varys form person to person, onoe might have an opinion on sucha dn such adn another may have an opinion on it difrently, but does tha tmean either is wrong? hwo do you chose sides? what if you feal for one thing, but the majorty does not? even if yo uknwo its wrong on a societal whoel yet you think its ight for YOU...shoudl you run with it? i have trouble feeling hatred towards republicans or conservitives. i feal pitty for some of them...but others i wonder. evne peopel who hate gays or balcks, i dont agre with them...btu the same blind librel hatred that gos around bsoton does nto cross my mind. rather, i feal that i shoudl think over as to why, why they have this fealing. is it, in there minds, justified anger? or is it irational fear? adn even so, i find that librals can somtimes take any form of coment as an atack on a person, adn that people, at least here in brookline, are easily offended by the smallest things. granted. manny at tiems are offended adn hav ea right to be, but they also jump the gun abit. when you se tha toften enough you have to wonder, is either extrem realy better off? an extrem libreal preachign total equality ends up exculding a group of peopel who thingk there shoudl eb forms of regulations, the world shoudl nto be dived by race creed or sexual orintation but i wonder how equal everyone can be. perhaps im beging to sound like a bit of a biget, but im just exploring thoughts and ideas. i knwo peopel shoudl not be descriminated by things, but when people talk about anythign against it i wsee such rabid defense from these librals or feminests or anyoen on the demecratic side for social equality, and then thos eother people are ostricised form it all, unles sthey conform. is that truly equal? or is that simply a social form of facist control. its pretty mucht the smae as before, except now its revers. perhaps the isue here is tha tpeople are too often extremists rather then moderates. they always go gung ho for whatever they belive and adn driv eit as far as they can, adn if others disagre they are sudenly enimies. certinaly some isues nee dto be rpesed, however other isues are simply overdone. and the midst of all these thougths and presures and argumetns teenagers adn even adults are expected to chose a sid eof some type and come up wiht opinions. its hard to create your own voice and thought when your nto sure about enything, and people aroudn you can push you how to think simply by hwo they expres there opinions. even in brooklie high, wher eindivuality is expresed imensely, it is tough tto come up wiht an individual thought procese and your own line of opinions unless it folwos the strict libral guidlines of the society. i guse wha tim saying is, everythign now can be truly confusing, and peopl ten dto push you every wich way they can whiel your tryign to figure otu thwa tthe hells goign on, adn soon a person can feal depresed and confused, createing more isues for the person. the worl dis a confusing, harsh place, adn unles syou have peopel to be with you and suport you in one fashion or another, your pretty much fucked. i dont know, jsut musing on difrent things i guse. Current Mood: contemplative (12 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 30th, 2006
9:38 pm	hey yall well the mini con came awent. adn the wrold is now a better place.....^_^ naaa, but we racked in like 150 doller profti from it. ddint expect that much, so im realy happy about it. ^_^ we shoudl do thigns liek this more often....but its a bitch to find good dates and such. anyways, we had fun there, althought htere was this one kid who came in and paid for hsi ticket adn sat and watched anime, right? eh started saying aniem sucks and that its horibel and that everyone who watcehs it is stupid and things liek that. is it just me, or are there peopel otu there actauly stupid enough to go to a palce thatey are nto wanted adn then insult everyone around them as much as posibel about the things the enjoy and love? wait....this guy isnt a republican is he? ....ok, that was bad, even by my standerds. ona serpet note, my girl freind and i broke up. ^_^ she called me thrusday nigth adn told me that romanticly and emotionaly and mentaly where perfect, but phsycily she isnt feeling it. that and she was out wiht another guy adn nearly made otu wiht him....so that pretty mcuh told her that was that. im nto even that upset about it, realy, atleast the fact that she brooke up with me. i figgure dit was going to happen. last tiem we trided it lasted all of 25 hours. ^_^ no...whats realy buggin me is this. im seriously wondering if i am at all physicly atractive. i mean, peopel tell me im handsome and such, but then why doesnt anyoen wan tto be with me? is it becaus eof my personality? tha ti wine to much? am i too needy? what is it? there are a few peopel who are atracted to me...btu peopel who i am atracted too arnt even considering me. and its just gorugess women or anythgin liek that. peopel i jsu tfind atractive have, without fial, either used me for a oen nigth fling or just dotn liek em. is there somthign wrong wiht me or somthign? im honestly asking anyoen whos reading this. and people, please be honest, i dotn care if its somthign bad or good ro whatever, jsut tell me what you think. and on that note.... good night, and good luck america. Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
9:07 pm	guh..more news. i guse im goign to try to make this entry as nice and light as posible (even thought i dont feal liek that at all, im gogin to try adn only say good thigns!) um...good thing #1! im starting to wrok out agian! bit by bit im geting back in shape, hoepfully in 4 months my body will tighten up adn i'll look better. #2: i now have a girl freind. nto sure hwo its goign to turn out, but imgiveing it a shoot adn i hope it will work out. btu im nto to sure hwo i even feal in the logn run...im ambivilent abotu it all. #3: aniem convention friday! gonna be fun there! #4: i got azumanga diaoh and d-n-angle, so tha tmad eme happy. #5: um.....i have a new computer which i love! .....thats realy it. im realy depresed. who am i kiding? im pisse dtha tim off drugs again. yeah, im gald im off geodon, but at elast on that i was this witty guy agian. i coudl think, i wasnt boged down with my emotions. the change back is realy bad...if eal like i have all this excess weight on me agian. all that and i feall liek everyoen thinks im an idiot. i feal liek an idiot. i dont feal inteligent at all, adn i feal liek becaus eim off med snwo any inteligence i do have has been submerged. that.....and i jsut feal like shit. poor self image. im not scared anymore...im jsut depresed. Current Mood: depressed (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 24th, 2006
1:15 am	ok, now im scared ok. as msot of you who realy give a damn probibly already know, teh pst 5 or 6 days have been total hell for me. for various reasosn i have been physicly, emotianly, and mentaly unabel to cope. but, i have now coem to a scarry thought. what if, somoetime during the withdrawl, or perhaps due to teh withdrawl itself, i have actualy fallen into depresion again? it woudl amke sense, cause here has been my though tprcese lately: i love my family. but everyone is goin gto die eventualy. i dont want my family to die. i lvo ethem. dont die. *procede to have a panic atack* that has been my thought prcese for the past 48 hours. adn i have had multiple panic atacks. i sued to have very minor ones which no one realy knew about (and it woudl be about minor thigns adn then passs, you knwo, normal worries adn such, ntohing this bad) but now there uncontroleble. plus i kind have given up on alot of things. nothign realy make sme tha thappy anymore. i was content playing video games an watchign anime...btu it doesn tmake me happy liek it used to. it jsut didnt matter as much. i think ive fallen in to a deep depresion. im not sure, but this is realy bad. and its not liek my other dpersions. before, i woudl get obsesed with people or thigns and drvie mysefl insane over that. it wasnt so much painful as it was jsut me being wierd. but now....its actualy a moment to moment pain in my life. and its hurting me. im trying to get my mind off of it, but i cant. i thought after the drug was out of my system id be fine, btu im not. im realy scared about death all of a suden. i dont knwo why, but i feal like its all aroudn me adn that im goign to die or peopel i knwo are goign to die. i jsut have this fealing in the middle of my chest thats drving me insane, and it all revolves around me having fear and death. i am scared to a point that is in it of itself scary. and its very, very painfull to deal with this. then i start to worry weather im stuck liek this, if im just oign to be this anxious now and forever, if my personality has been fucked over becaus eof this drug and teh chemistry in my brain is now unbalenced or somthign to that end. im afraid to go to sleep. everytiem i think abotu it my hadns start shakeing. im suposed to go to bed tonaight without a zanex to keep me calm, bu ti cant even get in to bed im so freaked out. maybe i can. i dont know. for all those that wills ee me tomarow, if i act realy wierd...jsut bear with it, ok? Current Mood: restless Current Music: azumanga daioh opening (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
9:45 pm	mroe shit ok, so now tha ti have a nice little pile of manure, lets make it a little taller today, shall we? so now i have to medicate myself to get to sleep. i have goten to the point now where i cant go to bed without a zanex to calm me down. i coudl fucking kill my psychaitrist for not tellling me hwo dangerous this drug was. its my fault i guse. i shoudl have looke din to it more, checked the posible side effects. so im having panic atacks to the point where i am unabel to think or even move. i have becoem extremly timid in public and very gun shy. i feal like im sheel shocked, literly it feals like my mind has been brooken in half. i cant think, i cant comprehend, i am having trouble being me. plus, i am now envisioning everyone i knwo dyding and mysel fdying, and its freakin gthe shit out of me. nto like "holy crap there dead" but in the sens eof "they are goen forever. thats it, game over". so now im panicing and my about my life and everything is a blur and im hyperventalating. plus to top it off i jsu thad to play the refere fro my dad and step mother, becaus ethe got in to an argument about how manny people can sit on the couch. and to top it all off, my father is takign the opertunity to make me hsi new pet project, so i can reform mysel fnad be a better person. and to amke it all worse, i wasnt able to see asia today and i doubt i will be able to see her again for along time. this vacation was the worse one i have ever had, adn i feal as if... i feal as if... i feal as if i have died. i honestly feal liek my entire mental being has died, adn all thats left is this twitching quivering mass. everyione els ehad funa dn met with all there freinds...while i went out with freinds only becuas ei felt i had to. sure, some wher fun, but by wensday it was more of a strain on myself and courtesy to other then it was me actualy enjoying myself. good things have happend too. i got a new computer and i was abel to get some omroe anime. btu thats materialistic. the things that realy matter are gone now. im off the drug, adn the clarity i though ti had is now gone. i guse whats realy eating at me is that i will go back to being this depresed angry littl eboy. adn plus im having major panic atacks about everything now, adn i cant handle any sort of real complications. its jst realy tiring. i just want to break down and cry, i feal all alone again. its back to hwo it use dto be. in fact, iits a step below that, im even wors eoff then i was before. thanks evweryone. thanks for puting me on a drug which fucked me up mor ein the end. for turning me in to the new pet projec to fthe house adn for now making me feal as if i am more cripled and emotionaly retarded then i hav eever felt in my life. i fuckign hate my life. Current Mood: defeated (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 20th, 2006
11:12 pm	mor enews about me ok, now im off the drug. you know why? no, ofcourse you dont. cuase i havent told you. aprently it was casuing me a very serious side effect called "akinesthesia." what happens is the perosn sufering from it has uncontroled movements of the arms and legs. i nearly had a manic episode last night. i am so emotionaly and physicly drained. i cant handle anything anymore. between this drug and everything els ein my life i have now goten to the point wher ei cant handle getting up. i am literly sheel shocked, adn now im going through withdrawl. i feal like i am going to die. that is how bad it is. what do i ahve to say to get it through to peopel to stop fucking with my body and mind. i cant even thionk clearly, im typing what come to mind and i fucking hate it! my body is moveing on its own. im off the meds now, but im having major withdrall symptoms. im a fucking wreck. today i finaly went out on a date with a girl i liked. she like dme...it was going well. except for the fact that i discovered i dont actualy liked here. so i think i purposefully trided to sabotage the first date ive had in a year. adn i told her i only want to be freinds with her. i mean here is a girl who i coudl realy like, btu i didnt feal it for her. i though ti loved her, but i was wrong. when it came time to deal with it, i froze and fucked up. im so drained. my step mom threw a bitchy fit and now she just came out of the bathroom after throwing up, form drinking to much. i cant handle all of this anymore. i seriously am not able to. i dont even want to get up. but i cant go to sleep. i want to, but my body wont let me. it keeps shaking too. fuck, im realy freaked out. aprently my psychiatrist put me on an anti psychoatic with a large amount of potantialy dangerous side effects. and now im dealing with alot of them. im also haveing imense anxiety atacks, and im worrying about my dad dying when im 55. that is how fucked up i am right now, and i am fucking scared for my life. i think i will be better, btu i feal horible right now. i think im gonna throw up. Current Mood: irate (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 17th, 2006
11:34 pm	thinking again...randomness so i finaly got the balls to tell a girl that i am infatuated with that i actualy have feelings for here. problome is, i told her about two hours ago online via measeging. she wasnt online when it got through, so she hasent read it. thing is im kinda chill about the whole thing, and i dont knwo if its the fact that i jsut took a 20 MG increase on my anti psychoatics or if i have an actual grip on my life: either way, somthing is working. so till tomarow i wont know about that. pluss, i have also been thinking about the # of peopel that coment on live journal;. i have freinds who make a small paragraph blurb on theire day and the materialistic good they may aquire or the newest fad the are in to, whatever it my be, they talk about it. and peopel coment, and eat it up. now, to have a large amount of envy in my thoughts, i type a four page esploration of morals in the human psyche (all beit imrpopmtu and miss spelled) adn i get two, althought thoughtfull, coments on it. is it just me or am i missing somthing here? is simply because no one want sto here about things i say or is it that no one cares? what do i hav eto do? be overly happy and omptimisticly stupid to be able to get a half decent response? then again i guse i am just being a shit head. i mean, what peopel wna tto read and coment on is there buisness. but...it would be realy cool if people i wouldnt normaly expect to read my stuff would give a thoughtfull coment once in a while. that or jsut remind me that they are still in comunication with me. yeah, im jelous. yeah, im actualy a little upset. but you know why? cause the guy that talks and thinks here, on this journal, is realy me in my element. my actual thoughts and self is mroe true here then it ever is in the real world, and the fact that i poor my heart and soul in to certaint things and only a few peopel give a damn realy. it makes me feal unapreciated and mroe hidden then i need to be. but in the end...i real yshouldnt get upset ove rsomthing liek this. guh...getting sleepy now.....80 milligrams of geodon makes me sleepy.that and it also surpresses any emtotions i have and pretty much puts me on sudation. so whatever. actualy, truth be told, im gald it has a sedatice effec ttonight. the past couple of nights...hav ento been good. i havent been able to get to sleep. and every time i do....my mind starts scarring the shit out of me. two nights ago, i ddint get to sleep till about 5 in the morning. why? two reasons,b oth tied together. one: for some stragne reason, i was afraid i was goign to be kille din my sleep. i dont knwo why, but i was scaredshitless to the point wher ei couldnt sleep. reason number two: every time i closed my eyes...people sfaces started flashing in tmy head....adn they started morphing...deteriating and changing. the where deforemd and looked as if they where iin intesne pain and where suffering. skin was melded together where a mouth shoudl have been. blood was pouring oout of where eyes should be. my head jsut kept showing things liek that to me all night. ass the fear of being kille din you sleep....adn you realy dont want to close your eyes. so i pretty much ahd to stay up till i passed out. so.....yeah....this use dto happen before...when i was severly depresed. but i dont have anythign to be depresed about. well...thats a lie. now that my head is "clear" again...im seeing myself in my full glorie. at the same time....im devolping a deep distaste in my body. no, not my sklef, been there, done that, but my body, a part of me that woyudl eb hard to change. i look int he mirror and i want to hit it. i hat emy face. i dont knwo why...but seeing it makes me angry. i find myself ot be disgusting and disturbing. i hat emy body. now you can look at this in two diffretn ways. (to extrapelate some ideas). one: im simply trying to gain everyoens atention by revealing some of my manny disturbing curent issues. by douing that mroe peopel woudl be prone to coment and say they are sorry and lif egoes on so ona dn so forth. or two: im actual yvery scared right nwo in my life. im going with # 2. i had this whole little blog prepeared on the juxtiposition of self and atentionqa dn using personal issues as a sheild and less as a problome and the ways peopel partake in the sport in one fashion or another.....but i actyualy became realy realy scared right now. its liek im doing everything all ove ragain. it slike im livign some of the worst tiem sive ever had in my life all ove ragain. for example: the other day i kept geting closer and clsoer to lighters witht he intetion of burning myself. i was abel to control...but the pull was amazing! it was liek i needed to do it....just liek hwo i used tio be. then i got depresed about my thoughts and how vulger i coudl be...which is what i used to do. its like...each day o fmy lif eis a diffrent tiem periode ive gone through...adn my lfie has been pretty depresing. im realy scarred actualy....cause i dotn knwo what the heell im going to do. its like im watching everything happen again in a high speed, and i have almost no congtrol ove rit. i knwo iv ebeen saying im chagning and shit, btu all i see is myself geting more and mroe upset atwho i am, blaming myself for everything, tryign to change and only saving face by talking a good game. im tryign to change but im doing this alone. im fucking scared out of my mind. im tryign to get rid of fear in my life but its coming back full force. im realy just freaking out at this point. all these isues in my head....and theiere about absolutly nothing. whcih scares me the most. im going to trya dn go to sleep now without seeing deforemd peopel again. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: im just fucking flipping my lid. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 14th, 2006
11:36 pm	more proff tha tthe reason why i seem dumb is because all my mental storage is devoted to anime OTAKU!! Congratulations! You scored 82! I bet you'd have a collection that would put most to shame and that you've wasted many a, day, week, month, year on anime. If you found it easy well maybe I went a little easy on the fans for now. Check back again when I will hopefully add a bunch of super hard ones. ^_^ My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 93% on anipoints Link: The ANIME Test written by Rhood82 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test wow....truly, i am more knowlegebal then 93% of my otaku freinds. tha tmake sme happy. truly, it does. ^_^ Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: popular (listining to the song in my head) (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
11:02 pm	.....despite my anti psychotics, few home truthsdo kick around. im extremly worn out. there is no other way to describe the situation i am in. i feal as if i have been stretched thin, as if the cor eof my very nature is being exposed for all it is. i feal ugly. i feal unable to handle thing son my own. i feal as if the only thing i hav ein the wrold. what little intelect good gave me, is now the thing that plauges my soul. i have eyes. i have ears. i see and hear. and up till now, i could comprehend, becuase my mind was preocupied wiht other issues. but i se enow. all fo rwha tit is. i see how things are. i....fealt great, till today. im not sure what happend. no, i know what happend. a freind of mine, or rather an aquantince, was cuddleing wiht a guy today, somone that wasnt her boyfreind and was all over him. he knew she wasnt his, and she knew he wasnt heres. but..it wasnt simly her being all "i lov eyou, my great frined" it was clearly romantic interloude love. and for some reson i found it....to anger somthign inside me. it wasnt right. her boy freind isnt here, so she cuddles wiht another guy. they boht no its nothing, but it IS there. is it nothing? if domthing as sacred as being able to have such comfort wiht a couple in a romantic way...somthign that can be replaced so easily for that person....doewsn tthat say ther eis somthign wrong? but...loseing that loving care to anothe person so easily is a coment on the person that comited the act, not on the other person. so then is that single person domed to always want somthing more? to always find atention to somone els ewhen needed? what most peopel woudl see is just to people being romantic and lost, tryign to find ther eway. i see it as a willingness to throw away all that you have simply for the fleeting moment...and what coudl that mean when you actualy have somthing good? and lets extend this thinking not simply as to the one person, btu to everyone, when presented the opertunity, woudl we involve ourselves in somthing to that end? would we lose ourselves in the momentery bliss simply because we could, when mortaly somthign is wrong? i guse this digs deeper in to the idea of how cheap are our values as men and women. what is the moral price to care nto for our faults. what is it? is it the promis of warmth adn comfort, is it the promis of money and greed, is it the promis for all you could ddesire? and on top of that...whgat does this say about you and me? if you feel as i do, does tha tmean we value our morals, because we have nothign else? i dont liek the idea of peoiple cheating, but that coudl be becuase i dont wan tsomeon to cheat on me because i couldnt find anyone else. becaus ei worked so har dfor wha ti have. becaus ei cant REBUILD. that im useless on my own. does this thought say that my fear is that i will be unable to survive? i know tyhat is MY fear a tthe moment, but ican that be said for all who thinkk this way? so summery: i feal that cuddelign in a romantic way is a sacred form of comunication between two lovers and shoudl nto be as mishandled so readily. it speaks further to me as the quesiton fo wether or not our morals and comitments have prices or limits to them. and form ther ei wonder if that syas about those who think tha tthey should hav eprices and limits and should feal that they are cheapening the act or breaing a bound, are we mearly projecting our own fears and insecurities through a fight against morals? in the end, is it right to break the bound of cuddeling, is there a price for out morals, and if i agre, what does tha tsay about my fears being prjected? what does it mean? to me....it signifies my own insecurites of how i woudl liek to be treated. because, honestly, i dont knwo what i would have that would teather a erpson to me. i have wit, i care for my freinds....but im not a good person, adn i dont knwo how long i coudl care for another. im not goo dlooking, and i have no inane wit or charm that keeps everyone to me. so when i get soone to be mine, i would liek to know they weil stay mine, as long as i do my best to do right by them in any fashion shape or form. this says about me that im insecrue about my fealings of others and their efealing sof me, tha ti dont trust my own emotions and nor do i trust others. this also says tha ti may have a hard tiem comiting in ANY relationhsip becaus eof this mistrust. adn it also says that i have fear, to the utmost and the end, i have fear. but is fear good? is fear what drive a man to do whats right, to do the good thing so harm will nto come his way? but fear would mearly be the equivelent of a cattle prod. it only movs us in a direction as long as its proding. when do we begin to mov ein that direction on there own? is morals, ro rathe rtrying to up hol dthe moirals of otheres, mearly the proding of our personal stun sitcks? does our fear replace the ned to do good for simply the need to do good as the nee dto do good or els ewe will pay? fear can bring good results, but then the ends jsutify th3e means, what baout inbetween? is that TRUE moral consideration? shoudl fear be the driving force of our actions and thoughts in life, and dictate our behavior? it has for most and will for manny, but for me? wha tabout for me? i? myself? should fear drive me to do whats right? what is the pros of simply doing righ tbecaus eits right? logivly wha ti hav esaid is ound, but MORALY, as a person, a human being...i am disturbed by that. i should WANT to do whats right simply because its right, and i DO....but do i act the right way becaus eof the choice i hav emade, or do i chose to let fear into my guiding steps? im in love wiht a girl. i can say it safely for the first time in manny, manny years. before it was simply i wished i lvo ea person...but now...im in love. well....im not sure. but its damn close. to wha ti think love should be. i know this girl....who is not bueatifull. whos looks and flawed, her self averge, a general girl. but...i find her to be bueatifull...she is careing, kind, and doe shte right thing. she is truly a repository of virtues, as my teacher would say...and i lov ethat. i love how she can act timid, i lov ehow she has great posture. i lov ehwo she cares for he r brohter and loves him. i lov ehow she si so nice to people, and isnt uniteligent at all. i lov eher paitence wiht others, her laugh, her smile.l i love it. i lov eher, i guse. we cheapen the experienc eof love by looking in every sinlge person who will let us look for it. we look everywhere in everyone, but when yo ufind it....will you be ready to hold on to it? to fight for it? to truly wan tit because you knwo its right? ...i can honestly say.....i hav enever felt mor eat home, more centered....more right.....then when i hug that girl. honestly. it is the most genuine and natural feeling thing i have done. it is what shoudl be right for me. but somthing is holding me back. fear...fear is holding me back. of failing, of messing it up. fear is no longer prooding in the right direction...or was it ever? no, it was not. it truly isnt the reason to do things in life...becaus eit keep you at the level you ar eat. it lets you go no higher, or lower then what you have. it feeds on everything you try and hide...adn governe you if you let it. true freedom of self, tru ability to feal and love and do anything...is by castign off the shackels of our insecurities adn our grivences, our fears need be liffted form our mind. only then...can we do...what we think is truly.... ......right. i am tired...wron out...but in the best way posible. i am able to feal as if...there is hope. finat, flickering distant hope....but tis there. waiting to be realized. all of this went through my head...form seeing a boy and a girl hug each other for over an hour. and people wonder why i have ADHD. with thoughts this grand, why woulndt i be distracted? i hope....i hope to god...yes god....that i can learn to walk on my own. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 9th, 2006
8:15 pm	good news, bad news, eh its news. hey yall. i feal liek im talkign to a brick but thats ok, the world coudl be an oyster and i could never know. ok, this sounds like im high (an dalot of you ar eprobibly noding your heads right now) but no, im not. im just kinda ambivilent, whihc might as well mean im high. ok. good news. im on moodstabilizers. they take my mood, us ethe pilly magig of pillyness, and boom, im suposed to be happy. in truth im realy just kinda tired and less bitchy. for liek the first week everythign was in a haze and it wzs not workign at ALL. i was depresed for w ahwile, as a few of you could atest to. anyways, so now im on antidepresents. and so far all thats wrong is i cant tell what day it is and i cant rember the names of people in movies. thigns i shopul dknow i dont, but my doc says im wha tthey call "medicly niav" so with time i will get use dot my new pills of stabilization. realy though, im kinda bumed. i found out that another girl i know is in love with a freind of mine...on ewho tends to get girls like that. and i started thinking about it. and i became extremly jelous. and now the only thing holding me back form going on a rampage right now or a rant about it is the modd stabilizers. so i guse i9m better...that or my asshoel as now sudenly becoem realy, realy tight. >.< seriously though, its kinda buming me. pluss ive been having panic atacks lately (somthign that didnt real yhapen to me before) and im fealing very insecure about my inteligence and standing as a person. ont he other hand, a part of me id long forgoten as nwo been reawoken. the sor tof inletcual i use dot be has now risen form its watery depths and reclaimed my being. basicly, im back to my OLD old self. which kinda pisse sme off and make sme happy. caus eont he one hand, this is how i should be. on the other hand, im a fucking dip shit liek this. i always hated this guy, but i loved him too. always thiking hes inteligent when infact he has hsi own issues and he can be so pretentous and guh, i hat ehim. but im also im glad im back becuas erelay, its who i am. i dotn know. right now, im just trying to adjust. somtimes i feal like im the most powerfull person on earth. other times i feal like shit. im trying ot find the happy medium now. also, the other thing is ive discovered that although prett ymuch all of my issues stem form my own faults and mistakes, alot of people i atribuited to wernt at fault. but still, alot of them where shti heads to me. and peopel that i blamed recently may nto hav ebeen at fault, btu are still shit heads. and so, ive coem to this conclusion: i am sorry that i blamed yo ufor my problomes, but please, stay away from my life. seriously, i got to learn to tell people to fuck off. i mean, some freinds of mine now adays are people who i realy have some issues with. hell, some peopel who i atributed my problomes to certaintly wernt the cause, but they sure wernt helping. (ok, now im ranting) in lou of the fact that im actualy losing any dignity i had at the begining of this entry, im deciding to end this sooner then i originaly anticipated. so heres the news then: im poed cause im realising that freind sof mine now are realy rat basterds and thats what iv ebeen realy thinking about them, nto that they ruined my lif ebut jus there person irks me. im also trying to adjust to my older personailty whiel keepin gmy new one with me, the "happy medium" is, im afraid to say, not so happy. that and im also realy psyched about the fact that iv egot all my person back to me again. no mor eunorganized thinking now worry if i'll get hurt or hurt a person, im all me again and i cna finaly have control ove r myself. so now i say to all those reading that i feal are ass holes (which is probibly none of you, realy. thos ewho read this are probibly people i told my lj about, whihc in that case i trust completly and like completly)fuck off. (now im venting th epent up drugie anger ive been having stored in my gulet, but that doesnt mean the sentiment isnt true ^_^). and to those ive wronged due to thinking they did somthign to my life (again, likely very few of you) im sorry. adn finaly: im me again. clean and simple as that. now stop reading this and go watch freinds or somthing. .... its done. .... go now. .... i ate a kiten once. ..... why wont you leave?!?! Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: j pop, what else. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 3rd, 2006
10:11 pm	im so depresed i knwo im being emo, but right now, i realy jsut wan tot burn a giant hole through my hand. im just realy depresed. and im trying to stay away form the lighters in the house. Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: dont let the sun go down on me. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
4:31 pm	ok, wtf? ok, so im looking through pron and such, cause thats what i do since im a teenage male, and i find this in an info section. question: why do i need to get sexkey? answer: (directly copy and pasted mind you) By registering for your Free membership to SexKey.com, you are not only getting more adult content than you will ever need, you are also protecting your right of free speech. If we don't provide this service to the public, then one day soon the government will just step in and block it all. It is already happening in other countries, so if we don't do our part it will just be a matter of time before it happens to us. so to fight the man i should look at porn and wank off, all under the protection of your free product? some how, this is one of the funniest thigns ive seen in a LOOOOOOONG time. Current Mood: chipper Current Music: supper drive (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 26th, 2006
3:50 pm	ok, heres the scoop. ok, heres whats going on in my life, for all you semi curious nerds and drama geeks and whoever the heel you are. i have been out of school on tuseday, wensday, and friday. i went back thruday becaus ei thought i coul ahndle it, aprently not. there are two reasosn why i was out, the fristsmall reason, is that i was sick with a cold. its wasnt major, it jus twas a bitch to stop cough aiong and to clear my air way. but, the main reason i was gone was because of a meantal breakdown, if you will. i pretty much had goten so upset ove a bunch of things in my life that i couldnt handle too manny mor ethngs. with everyone telling me that i needed to change....i just couldnt take it. my father was teling me that i wasnt doing good enough in school and was trying to take over my life, trying to "direct me". and then everyone at school kind of ganged up on me, at elast thats what it felt like. and then i was tol di had to tk e afith and year and that i was stuck in brookline for another year.....it just felt horible. i was so pissed. when i felt liek a realy needed to talk to somone, i was afriad that somone would just tell me a solution on how to change or how to fix everything. ive been tol dall the solutions. all i wan tis just to get back to my normal everyday life. pluss i had a full blow halucination wwensday at 5 O'clock. i thought that the two pillows on my bed where growing and multiplying trying to take over my rooma dn then the house. it freaked me out. and my hands fellt like fragil needels tha twoul dbreak if i trided anything. i was runign around the house screaming for a minute till i wooke up my dad and made him sit wiht me. i was soo freaked out. so i got a cat scan that day. results havent coem back yet, wich is good cause if it was serious then they would have been back by friday. there is mor eto this story, probibly thigns that where my fault. my da dand i have nto been on good terms lately. he recently went to my room at my moms and took away all my video games and completly reorganizewd my room. a big no no in my book. no one goes in to my room wiht out my permission. but thats just the beging of things that hes been doing. blatent thigns liek that, trying to control my life and pretty much tellin me i am unabel to handle myself. pluss, thats kinda the same message i got from everyone else. and it all realy realy hurt. i knwo people are now going ot tell me to buck up or whever, but it hurt. and i dont think anyone will realy understand tha tbut me. so thats it. that my life for the past week. add in periodic vomiting. lots of coughing, somtimes a little blood, lack of nasue to the poitn of starvation abd resulting constipation, then you have an ide aof th epast week. oh,. and traped at my dads place, with hiom tlling me its all in my head and to get ove rit. that was my week. how was yours folks? Current Mood: drained (2 Comments |Comment on this)